Web 5.0 “The Fourth Shaker”

Sean Carton is one of our longest-running and smartest columnists. His mission is to stay one step ahead of the curve covering the latest in Web and advertising technologies. That’s why his column is called The Leading Edge.

So it came as no surprise to get this cutting-edge news alert today from his way-ahead-of-the-curve agency, Baltimore-based idfive

idfive Discovers Web 5.0, Declares it “The Fourth Shaker”

Baltimore-based digital communications firm idfive (www.idfive.com) announced today the discovery of “Web 5.0,” a previously unknown evolution of Web technology that promises to revolutionize how both consumers and businesses communicate online.

“We’re freakin’ blown away by the implications,” exclaimed Producer Ted O’Mera in his characteristic tone of indiscriminate enthusiasm, “This changes absolutely everything. Everything. Heck, I just learned PHP. Now this. I think I need a nap.”
[the rest after the jump] While most Web firms are still trying to come to grips with the slippery meme known as “Web 2.0,” idfive’s discovery promises to catapult them past their competition, providing them with insights, capabilities, and buzzwords that others can only dream of. “Yeah, Web 2.0 is a big deal right now,” comments Sean Carton, Chief Strategy Officer of idfive, ”But so what? Web 5.0 is going to make Web 2.0 look like Web 1.0. Or something like that.”

While Web 2.0 reportedly grew out of a combination of technologies and buzzwords that combined social networking with user generated content and the ability to employ AJAX (Asynchronous Javascript and XML) to allow real-time interaction with data from within the browser, Web 5.0 moves beyond the browser to encompass a range of technologies and acronyms that had never before been used in computing, data display, or interaction.

idfive acknowledges that the concept of Web 5.0 is quite obviously too complex for all but a few of the world’s most eminent digerati and best selling cyber-celebrities to understand. However, in their ongoing desire to educate the public, they want it known that the basics should not be hard to grasp for anyone with a basic knowledge of quantum physics, koi farming, and hyper-dimensional topologies. At this point idfive is still carefully exploring Web 5.0 (or “5-Space” as they’ve termed it), but are ready to reveal some of the basics of their discovery.

At its heart, Web 5.0 is based on the KABOOM (Knuth-Moris Asynchronous Binary Object Oriented Metadata) archi-tecture, itself an evolution of OXY-CLEAN (Optimal Xor-gate Yultide Computational Emotion Analysis Nondeterminism) technologies. Taking advantage of n-space disparities that arise out of multiplexed qubit transmission inherent in most quantum computers, Web 5.0 actually manages to transcend so-called “consensus reality” in order to hyperspatialize information into matrices composed of Higgs Bosons. The result is a Web of information so info-dense, so googapixel packed, so socially interconected that it defies conventional definitions of what “the Web” means.

“We are only now beginning to grasp how this previously undiscovered technology will allow us to optimize synergies within the Metaverse, allowing us to create holistic, team-based paradigms that leverage true holomovement for the first time,” explains Sean Carton. “Connecting realms both metaphysical and quantum-mechanical, this technology will allow for high-bandwidth transmission of data clusters using true random-access packets that, for the first time, allow for unequalled collaboration, social interaction, entanglement, and perhaps even pizza delivery that truly takes less than 30 minutes or it’s free…in complete safety and with total information security.”

idfive plans on immediately deploying Web 5.0 technologies for their clients, allowing them to provide a service un-equalled in the crowded field of Baltimore Web development. In fact most idfive clients are already enjoying the benefits of Web 5.0 since idfive has been deploying the new technology for no extra charge while in their “stealth phase.”

“This is some amazing stuff. We bring screaming death to all previously established paradigms. All your Web belongs to us,” exclaims Multimedia Director Sean Cohen. “We PWNED all you utha Web punks!”

idfive plans a public rollout of Web 5.0 sometime in Spring 2007. Unfortunately this technology is so advanced that no computers currently exist with the capacity to display its powers. “But don’t worry,” cautions Carton, “Web 5.0 is already here. Time to play catchup, all you ‘Web 2.0’ companies!”

“Yeah,” underscores Claire Rusko-Berger, idfive Director of Client Services, “It’s Web 5.0, dumbass!”

Thanks, Sean. We needed that!

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